Falling in love with a German is wunderbar, and ideally the focus of your relationship is, well, the relationship and the activities you enjoy together, not language learning. I'll say it over and over again: Do not make your German spouse your German teacher.

I said it again in class last week, and one man, who is dating a German woman said, “Yeah, we figured that out. She doesn’t teach me any more.” “Good call!” I exclaimed. He grinned. Really, it was a relief, because he’s sweet on her, and I’ve seen the kind of friction which often arises when people make their German spouse their German teacher, and that’s one of the negative reasons why people end up in my classroom. Instead of that, let’s make it a positive reason. First, here are the 5 reasons why you (say it with me now!) shouldn’t make your German spouse your German teacher! And after that, we’ll turn it into something positive.

Reason #1: Cultural clashes.

In foreign language learning, we say:

Language is culture and culture is language.

We begin with the culture and move to the language: If you don’t understand how the German sense of order permeates the culture, then you’ll likely be confounded by how orderly the sentence structure is. However, if you understand how much Germans value order, rules, and routine, then you’ll also understand why the sentence structure must be orderly.

We can also start with the language and move to the culture: when you can successfully place the parts of a sentence where they must be according to German grammar, then you begin to understand better why your German husband does what he does when he does it.

This sense of order is a German’s native operating system. It’s their first nature. People aren’t generally good at explaining their first nature to other people unless they’ve lived in a second culture long enough to see the contrasts. So your German wife may not be able to explain well why it is she is the way she is (e.g. it’s her first nature), but she can tell you that she does things a certain way because that’s what she learned growing up in Germany.

Then, like so many of my clients, you can come to me, Frau Warner, and ask cultural questions like, “Why does my wife bake bread every single week?” And I’ll explain the cultural background because that’s my job. This is one of the many reasons people refer to me as “German Lady.”

Reason #2: Most native speakers can’t explain German grammar.

It is possible that your German in-laws have corrected your German a thousand times. They do this not to be rude, and not to get on your case, but they do it because German must be perfect in order for it to be correct. That said, however, if your German in-laws haven’t studied German grammar, they won’t be able to explain it to you. Like most Germans, your lovely Schwiegermutter und Schwiegervater probably know the 4 cases and can tell you which one to use, but they can’t tell you why it is that way, or which rule you need to follow. (The why and the rules are my (Frau Warner’s) job!)

AND there’s a second, very important element to this reason: Native German speakers learn German grammar differently from how German learners learn German grammar. So just because your German girlfriend has studied German grammar doesn’t mean that she understands how the book or I, Frau Warner, will explain it.

Reason #3: Germans can’t usually explain their own pronunciation.

Germans can usually tell you if your [e] sound in the words “dem” and “den” is correct, however they can’t usually tell you what to do differently with the words “denn” and “den.” Your German neighbor can probably correctly explain that “denn” has a short vowel and “den” has a long vowel, but that’s likely it. And most Germans, like most humans, can tell you when something is right and when something is wrong, e.g. “No, it’s den, not denn,” but most Germans, like humans, can’t actually tell you how to shape the vowels.

(But your German teacher can! Especially if she has two degrees in classical singing and a singing resume as long as your arm! Even more so if she’s certified to teach English and German as foreign languages. It may be a wildly unique combination, however my clients will tell you: it works!)

Dialect also plays a role in pronunciation. You probably already know that German isn’t pronounced the same in Bingen as it is in Nürnberg, and even in some places, the kind of Plattdeutsch spoken in one village is different from the Plattdeutsch spoken in the very next village. Lucky for you, dialects are welcome here.

Reason #4: German speaking skills are not teaching skills.

Learning to speak a language doesn’t automatically qualify people to teach it. Just like brilliant mathematicians can’t always teach math very well, and some extraordinary musicians can’t teach their way out of a paper bag. Teaching a language, whether it’s a native or a foreign language, means one must acquire the skill of teaching the language. Speaking German is a separate skill from teaching it.

Your hard-working German wife has acquired all the skills of a native German speaker, but if she is a Machinist (die Maschinistin) by trade, then she will not have spent her time learning how to instruct German grammar to a German learner. She spent her time learning to make and fix parts and work with precise machines.

Reason #5: Making your German spouse your German teacher weighs the relationship down with expectations and takes it out of balance.

This is the crux of the matter.

When I tell people, “Do not make your German spouse your German teacher,” and they don’t listen to me, a countdown starts in the back of my mind, because experience has taught me it’s only a matter of time before the conflicting expectations come to a head. Why exactly do they come to a head? Because of reasons 1 through 4. Please re-read them if you feel so inclined. These expectations are based in the often very different schooling each of you has experienced, the expectations you each have of yourself, and your expectations of one another, which may be conscious or subconscious. Add this modern life to the mix, and we get a big vat of nicht gut.

Making your German spouse your German teacher also takes your relationship out of balance, because it puts one of you in the position of “teacher” and the other in the position of “student.” That puts you on unequal footing, and even if you think it’s small potatoes, it’s still an imbalance of power. And that isn’t fair to either one of you.

Instead, find a suitable (and small) way for your German spouse to participate in your German learning.

This is where things become a lot more constructive and positive!

Once you’ve decided not to make your German spouse your German teacher, this opens up new avenues. Here are three ways your spouse can participate in your German learning and you can enjoy the time together without burdening your relationship.

1. Ask your spouse to help you find a class or private lessons that would suit you best.

This is where someone else knowing you really well can be a great support. Having a sounding board can help you decide between taking a small group class or finding the one-to-one support you need in private lessons.

Your spouse will know you well enough to know your schedule and what your time commitment can be, and help you keep your plans realistic. Having a second set of ears and ideas for the logistics of attending class, whether that’s online or by driving, and planning time to study can be a real boon.

2. Find small, realistic ways your German spouse can help you practice.

We go into a lot of specific techniques for this in classes and lessons, but suffice it to say, in this case, less is more. Here it’s important to set verrry realistic expectations, so if you’ve only learned verbs in the present tense, then your native German-speaking spouse will have to get used to practicing with you in the present tense for a while. If your German spouse is impatient when it comes to beginning German topics, then perhaps a German-speaking friend or another family member would be more helpful for you to practice with.

3. Portion out your German time together.

Simply select an activity to do together during the week and speak German for this activity. Start really small, like setting the table or playing a game you already know. Do that together in German for a few weeks, until it becomes routine, and then add a second activity in German. Slowly you’ll build regular German speaking into your week in a way that suits you both, the expectations are clear, and it’s a shared activity.

Danke für’s Lesen! I hope this article is helpful for those of you who are dating, partnered with, or married to a German! On the menu at the top of this page you’ll find links to the current/upcoming small group classes, private lessons, and more. And if you’d like to hear from me, Frau Warner, in the future, scroll alllll the way down and sign up for the E-Post on the bottom right.